What It Feels Like
by CheyWolfe
Summary: Sometimes, Ritsuka doesn't feel as if he's the right gender. For six months, he has lived with this secret, keeping it from Soubi, who's the only person who can make him happy anymore. one day, Soubi finds out and Ritsuka can't hide from himself anymore.
1. Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

**Chapter one**

**Mirror, mirror on the wall**

_ I am not a girl._

Ritsuka repeated the mantra to himself again and again as he sat alone on the bathroom floor, his back pressed against the porcelain bathtub. The tile was cold against his feet, the tub still chilly, even through his shirt. Drops of blood dotted the otherwise stainless blue tile flood, scattered amongst the shards of broken mirror, some of which were still clutched in his hands. Still, he could see his reflection staring blankly back at him from the broken mirror, and it just ignited the fire within all over again. It burned throughout him, and fiery tears diluted the blood droplets on the floor. That reflection stared back at him, and he _hated_ what he saw.

_I am not a girl. I am not a girl. I am not a girl._

Over and over, again and again. _Don't stop. _He needed to believe it. He needed to know that that person staring back at him was him. Her words were not getting to him. He was not beginning to believe them. No, no, _no!_ _He_ was a _boy_, a guy, a male, just as he'd been born. He was normal, completely and absolutely normal. Still, his mind betrayed him, the frustration only building again as that other person in the shards of glass met his eyes.

_Why do I feel so wrong?_

She had always wanted Ritsuka to be a girl. She'd always expected him to be a girl. The doctors had told her he was a girl. A boy child and a girl child—that was the perfect picture for her family. Not two boy children. _No_, that was imperfect, an offset of the balance he knew she needed. And she couldn't change it. She'd never forgotten her want for Ritsuka to have been born a female. Up until six months ago, though, she'd apparently kept it to herself, probably able to keep it hidden since Ritsuka wasn't exactly the most masculine little boy. But her mental stability had been faltering ever since Ritsuka lost his memories five years ago, and now it was on a steady decline.

She'd even given Ritsuka a female name. That was something that reminded him of not being good enough every day. He wrote it on his papers, answered to it when teachers called on him, logged in to every online server with it; there was no way to get away from it. He was beginning to hate his name. He had gotten made fun of, in the past, ridiculed for having such a misnomer. And he couldn't do anything about it, just like how she couldn't do anything about him being a him. The only time he didn't completely despise it was when it was said by a particular man, a man Ritsuka needed right now.

_I need you_, He tapped out on his phone, clutching it so hard his knuckles turned white. Oh, how he loved it when Soubi said his name, how it always sounded _just right_. It was sometimes followed by a smile, other times with a light kiss. The only time Ritsuka could feel _just right _anymore was when he was around Soubi. With him, there was no confusion, no frustration, no built up self hatred. There was only Ritsuka, the boy who hated to go home because it would mean feeling like a girl and denying it again.

Weakly, Ritsuka reached for the Kleenex box by the sink, trying not to look at the remnants of the mirror on the floor. Sniffling, he pressed a layer of Kleenexes to his bleeding hand, watching as the red blossomed through the white, spreading quickly and soaking through the layer of cloth. He sat back against the tub again, wanting to take a bath, but not wanting to do it at his house. A bath here would only remind Ritsuka of how wrong he felt. But a bath at Soubi's house was soothing and relaxing, especially when Soubi sat in the bathroom and talked with him.

A soft ringing from Ritsuka's phone interrupted his thoughts. He looked at the caller ID and ignored the call, seeing that it was from Soubi. He must've worried him enough to make him call instead of just text back. Ritsuka leaned his head back against the tub, holding the Kleenex to his left hand, smiling grimly. Typical Soubi. He was always so worried. It was shocking, really, that he hadn't found out what was happening yet. Then again, Soubi really wasn't the type to go rifling through Ritsuka's things to find his locked diary. He probably didn't even know that he kept one, since most boys didn't.

His head snapped up again at the thought. That was another thing to add to the list. There had to be a way out of this, a way to make it stop. Maybe if he could make himself like the things that other boys did, everything would be fixed. He'd have to pay more attention to the boys at school, watch them a bit more closely than he already did. Everyone was older than him, anyways, even if it was only by a year. He'd been moved up a grade and was in his second year of high school, making him only just turned fifteen, while everyone else was sixteen. Not only that, but Soubi had persisted in making him test into the best schools, so not only was everyone older than him, they were also highly critical.

_I can't talk_, He texted to Soubi, explaining why he hadn't picked up the phone. The real reason he hadn't picked up the phone was just that—he hadn't wanted to go into a crying fit during a phone call. He'd learned by now that Soubi didn't mind the crying fits, but if he was going to go into one, it'd be better to have Soubi here, with him, so that he could hold onto him and make the frustration and confusion and feelings of being in the wrong body dissolve into the darkness of his mind. If Ritsuka could have Soubi here with him, he wouldn't be tempted to pick up a shard of glass, hold it to his arm, and do what he'd been too terrified to do before.

Ritsuka's phone vibrated, buzzing and crawling slightly on the blood-dotted floor. He ignored it for a moment, too absorbed in his pain. _I need to try harder. _The thing was, he had been trying as hard as he could to act normal. It was all wrong, though. It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. He couldn't ever be good enough.

Finally, he picked up the phone, reading through Soubi's message. _I'm coming over_. It was no longer a question, it was now a statement. Soubi knew him well enough to know that Ritsuka would never say no to him coming over. Over the three years they'd known each other, their relationship had only grown. Every day, Ritsuka's love for Soubi increased as the man continuously saved him from himself without even knowing it. There was one thing he didn't even try to deny, and that was that he loved Soubi.

Ritsuka looked again at the shattered mirror, the mirror he had broken with his own hands. He barely remembered breaking it. When the frustration and rage took over, there was no control left. Now, he could see his face looking back at him, the reflection's lips seemingly twitching upwards in the beginning of a crooked, mocking smile. _You think you're a girl_, it laughed cruelly. He covered his eyes with a loud cry that really sounded more like a whimper, and hid his face in his hands, hiding far, far away from the boy laughing at him.

_I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl. _

_ Why can't I just feel normal? Why do I feel so wrong in this body?_

He was never able to escape this feeling, except when he was with Soubi. It was the worst here at home, where he was reminded everyday how much his mother had wanted him to be a girl. It was bad at school, too, where all the kids were bigger than him and teased him for the slightest things, even jeering at him when he would scurry off to the bathroom to change for gym. He did everything wrong. He wasn't like the other boys. He tried and _tried_ to be like them, to do the things they did, but nothing ever worked. It was hopeless, a lost cause. Why even attempt it anymore?

_I am not a girl._

His breathing deepened, his hands clenching in his hair, pulling hard. He repeated those five words over and over, the anger inside building up and boiling over. It bubbled in his stomach, making him sick, making him want to throw up all his feelings and lay on the bathroom floor, numb to everything else. Finally, _finally_ after what seemed like forever, Ritsuka pulled his hands out of his hair, peeking out from behind the shield he had made with his body, making sure that Soubi wasn't already there. The open bathroom door showed his still empty room. Ritsuka knew he didn't have much time. Soubi would be here soon.

He scurried up, tumbling over his own feet in an attempt to rush out of the bathroom floor. He nearly tripped on a large piece of the glass, but that didn't stop him. He needed to change before Soubi saw him.

Ritsuka had a secret, a horrible, terrible secret. He hid it from everybody, even Soubi, and this secret creating many smaller branches of secrets. No one knew the pain and frustration his secret created. He kept it all inside, letting everyone else think that he was just a normal boy with normal problems, a normal boy who was just quiet in class and self conscious to dress in front of others. That wasn't the case. That was totally wrong. Ritsuka wasn't a normal boy. He wasn't even sure that he was a boy. He didn't feel normal. He felt as if he was in the wrong body, as if he had the body of a male, but the mind of a female.

He didn't always feel this way; there were times when he felt normal. He hadn't always felt this way, either. It had started when his mother had begun beating him for not being a girl. That was the source of all the confusion, as well as starting a new school. In elementary and middle school, nobody had cared that he didn't play sports or that he did feminine things. In high school, however, things were completely different, especially when he was the youngest kid, and he stood out.

Things were just getting worse for him. Before, he would only occasionally feel like there was something wrong with him. As his mother got worse, so did he. When his mother beat him for being the wrong gender more frequently, he, in turn, started to feel like the wrong gender more frequently. It only got worse, never better. Now, he was rushing to hide one of the branching off secrets—that he sometimes dressed in feminine clothing. He couldn't let Soubi see him like this. He already publicly wore clothing that was nearly crossing into female clothing. If anyone knew that he wore female clothing when he was alone, they would immediately know his secret.

Ritsuka darted to his closet, getting blood all over the floor in the process of doing so. His hand was still bleeding, as was his arm, and heavily so. He could still feel rather large glass shards in it and could see visible pieces sticking out of his pale skin. That wasn't the problem he was focusing on now, though. Soubi would be here very, very soon. What would he do if he knew his secret? The problem he was focusing on now, though. Soubi would be here very, very soon.

He slammed the door to his closet in a flurry to hide the evidence and stood in his pitch dark closet, breathing hard and straining his kitten ears forward, listening for Soubi. He wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth on his heels, trying to ward off the feelings of not being normal and being an alien in his body. He only did this for a moment, since he fully knew that this was futile and would not work. It hadn't been any use before. He didn't think his tactic would suddenly start working.

Slowly, Ritsuka felt around for the long string that would turn the light on. He found it after only a few moments and pulled harshly at it, causing the string to break off from the contraption just as blinding light flooded the large closet, illuminating the façade that Ritsuka was. He stood with a string in his hands, his mind blank as he stared around at all his clothes. He hated dressing for school. Soubi would probably expect him to either have regular clothes on or his uniform. For school, he had to wear a very unique uniform, one that was dark gray with bright, almost electric blue accents. That wasn't the thing he hated about it, though; it was that there were uniforms for girls and uniforms for boys, and Ritsuka would rather wear the girls' uniform than the boys'. He would rather wear the blue ribbon under the collar than the tie, and would like a skirt better than the stiff, heavy black pants.

Silently, he stripped himself of the over sized, off-the-shoulders pink anime t-shirt he was wearing, letting it fall to the ground in a heap. He looked down at himself, seeing the lacy, rainbow striped panties he wore instead of boxers. He sighed, wondering if it was safe to leave them on. He hated wearing boxers. It was uncomfortable. He liked the soft feel of woman's underwear and the lace and bright colors. That was the reason he couldn't change in front of the other boys. If they knew that Ritsuka wore panties, they would beat him up and mock him to no end. Everyone else would find out, and then all the kids would be cruel to him and then the principal would find out and end up calling Soubi and…

This was hell. Absolute, total hell. He needed Soubi. He needed him _now_. The pain was becoming overwhelming again, just as it did every night he spent without Soubi. It was always better with Soubi. This feeling, this overpowering, sickening feeling, always went away when he was with Soubi. Around him, Ritsuka never had the urge to dress like a girl or to hurt himself out of frustration.

He clenched his hands in a fist, stumbling to the back of the closet and sitting down against the back of the wall. He closed his eyes, realizing just how pathetic he was. He was sitting alone in a closet, nearly naked, still bleeding from a mirror _he _broke because _he_ felt like a fucking girl. How stupid. How pathetic. How embarrassing. There was no reason to feel like this. He was _not _a girl. He was a boy, a gay boy with a loving, gentle older boyfriend. He should be grateful. Sure he had a mother who beat him, but he could always move in with Soubi. There was nothing wrong with his life. He shouldn't be feeling like this.

Straining his ears again, Ritsuka opened large box he kept the girl clothes in. The box was pushed out of the way, shoved under his normal hung up clothing and labeled as clothing too small for him. About a month ago, he had dumped all of the small clothes out of the box and had taken a car ride with his dad to drop them off at a resale shop, though he had kept the big cardboard box. There was nothing abnormal about it, so Ritsuka could easily hide the dresses and skirts and girly shirts he had. Soubi never suspected anything. Neither did his mother or anyone else. It was the perfect way to conceal the burning, rising secret within.

Ritsuka stood again, having recovered slightly from the attack he suddenly had of the secret banging around in his body and attempting to get out. He glanced around the closet, unable to decide on what to wear. What would seem the most inconspicuous? The school uniform, probably, since Ritsuka had been wearing that when Soubi picked him up from school earlier and taken him to his house before leaving for a university class. He didn't want to wear that, though. He didn't like the tight tie that he could barely put on by himself and the pants that were too long and hot, especially in the warmer weather.

He decided to settle for a simple t-shirt and a pair of shorts that nearly reached his knees. He slipped on a red button up shirt over his black t-shirt, leaving it open and finally allowing himself a long look in the full length mirror on the back of the door. He didn't mind boy clothes, as long as it was something like this, and not formal wear or masculine clothing. He simply preferred more feminine clothing, not necessarily girls' clothing. No one could see that he was wearing panties, so he'd be fine leaving them on. Soubi could see him like this. This, after all, was the way Ritsuka normally dressed.

He had made it just in time. He could hear the telltale sounds of Soubi on the balcony and then the sliding glass balcony doors opening. He shyly stepped out of the closet, holding his injured hand and looking up at Soubi as he came inside the room.

"Come here, Ritsuka."

Ears pinned back against his head, Ritsuka stepped into Soubi's warm, loving embrace. Soubi never seemed to change. In the past two years, Soubi hadn't changed much. He still looked the same, still felt the same, still loved him more than anything. The only thing that had changed about him was his personality. He was no longer the man who'd asked Ritsuka to punish him. He wasn't the liar Ritsuka had thought he was when he was twelve. He never asked the teen to punish him anymore, and he had lost most of his submissive qualities. He had acknowledged that he was the adult in their relationship, and therefore the one that had to lead.

Soubi took care of Ritsuka and Ritsuka took care of Soubi. It went both ways. He knew that there were times when Soubi would become overwhelmed with depression, probably stemming from Seimei, and, though he hadn't become sad lately, Ritsuka would try his hardest to ignore his own problems and cheer Soubi up. That hadn't happened in months, though, and Ritsuka was glad that Soubi was able to move on from abusive, powerful Seimei.

"Your hand, Ritsuka…" Soubi pried Ritsuka's left hand from where it was clenching the front of his jacket. "What did she do?"

Ritsuka could only pull away and weakly point at the broken mirror in the bathroom, lying to Soubi once again and feeling ashamed for it. He lied to him so much now. Soubi knew almost everything about him, all his secrets, his deepest thoughts, except for this huge, terrible secret that was tearing him apart from the inside out. He never suspected Ritsuka to do anything like lie to him, so he was never suspicious of him. He wouldn't find out Ritsuka's secrets unless the boy told him himself.

Not an hour later, Ritsuka found himself at Soubi's house again, for what felt like the tenth time that week. Warm water surrounded him, washing away his troubles, the wet feeling overtaking everything else. Soubi sat on the bathroom floor, his back against the tub Ritsuka reclined it, making it so he could easily sit up and wrap his arms around Soubi from behind him. The distress he had felt at home, in his own bathroom and even undressing in the closet, was long forgotten and gone. He couldn't even recall how it had felt, only that he didn't want to go home because it meant feeling it again.

His injured left hand was draped over the side of the tub, near Soubi, bandaged and disinfected by the older man he loved. It was dry, since he couldn't put it in the water, so he tentatively reached a hand out and threaded his fingers in Soubi's soft blonde hair, wanting to get out of the bath so he could cuddle with him. Perhaps he would finally find the courage to have Soubi touch him. Every time they got close, he always gave Soubi permission to take off his pants, to touch his eager, young cock and finally give him fuel to his fantasies, but whenever Soubi looked at him, slipping his hands to the front of Ritsuka's pants, the boy always pushed his hands away and ran to the bathroom.

Soubi looked back at him smiling slightly as Ritsuka leaned over the bathtub and ran his hands through Soubi's hair. He wanted to kiss him, to thank him for taking all the pain away, for making everything better, complete, _just right_.

"What are you reading?" Ritsuka asked him quietly, breaking the comfortable silence in the bathroom.

"An art magazine," Soubi answered, leaning his head back. Ritsuka, in turn, scooted forward in the bathtub and wrapped both arms around Soubi's neck, leaning down to press his face into the place where his shoulder and neck met. Everything just felt so right here, like he was meant to be here, with Soubi, showing him the affection Seimei never gave him.

"Wash my hair, Soubi," Ritsuka laughed softly, giggling like a girl for a moment. Right now, it didn't matter to him that he laughed like a girl. He'd worry about that later. He couldn't feel bad about that even if he tried. Here, he had nothing to worry about. Soubi never pointed out that he looked like a female, or acted like one, or did things only girls would do. Neither did Natsuo, Youji or Kio. Here, he could be who he wanted. Here, he could feel normal for once.

An hour later, Ritsuka found himself being held by Soubi, the two of them laying on the floor, on a makeshift roll up futon, the Zero boys above them on the couch, doing god knows what. They were supposed to be watching a movie, but Ritsuka had dozed off after a long day of frustration, pain, and violence from his mother. When he'd protested about going to bed, Soubi had gotten up and made up the futon bed. That was how he'd ended up laying with Soubi, not even watching the movie anymore.

He was half-asleep, simply listening to the movie, his face pressed into Soubi's shirt. The other two were moaning on the couch, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He was just happy that he couldn't feel that despair and frustration with his gender anymore. It had faded into the back of his mind, retreated into darkness, chased away by his love for Soubi and how comfortable he was with him.

"Ritsuka, we really should go to the bedroom," Soubi whispered. Ritsuka just shook his head and cuddled closer. Soubi sighed, giving up on trying to get Ritsuka to move. He was just too comfortable. Everything was right here, and it felt as though nothing could destroy that.

He dreaded going home and would do anything to avoid it. He would stay here as long as he could without having to return.

Two days later, though, he found himself on his doorstep, his overnight bag on one arm, trembling slightly. He shoved his bandaged hand into his pocket, not wanting to look at what he'd done. He tore his gaze away from his clothes, pushing away the thoughts of how much he wanted to wear a dress or a skirt or something with lace, and looked up at Soubi, ears pressed hard back against his head.

"I have to go back, Soubi," Ritsuka whispered, hating this, hating his mother, hating how he was standing here feeling like he lived in two different worlds. One world was with Soubi, where he felt perfect and normal in every way, the other world being here, at home. Here it was terrible. He couldn't seem to sort one feeling out from another. He could never feel 'normal' here anymore. It was as if there was something wrong and Ritsuka couldn't figure out what it was. Or maybe he could figure it out, but he just tried day after day to deny it.

Soubi leaned down, pressing a chaste kiss on Ritsuka's lips before pulling him into a tight, squeezing hug. Oh, how Ritsuka was tempted, tempted to spill everything, tempted to beg him to take him away from here. He couldn't live with his mother any longer. He couldn't leave her alone. He couldn't take all of anger anymore. He couldn't leave her, though, not when she would most likely find someone else to displace it all on, or worse, herself. If he left, what would she do? What if she killed herself? It would be entirely his fault if she did. She was his mother. He had to care for her. It was his duty.

Soubi whispered an 'I love you' in Ritsuka's ear and he could only squeeze the man harder. Still, he was the one to pull away, knowing that he had to get this over with sooner or later. Sooner would be better. That way he could lock himself in his room and fight with himself until Soubi came to say goodnight. Fighting with himself was, ironically, better than fighting with his mother. This way he could get some homework done, too, for tomorrow was the dreaded Monday.

` "I'll come say goodnight when my classes are over," Soubi reminded him again, and Ritsuka never got tired of hearing it. It was good to know that _someone_ cared enough for him to come over every night to say goodnight. His mother never said goodnight. His father tried his best to call every night, but he could be a bit absentminded sometimes, especially when he was off doing business in England. Seimei, of course, was AWOL and Ritsuka was beginning to wonder if he'd ever show his face again or if Ritsu-sensei and the rest of Septimal Moon had finally succeeded in catching him.

"Promise?" Ritsuka asked, just to make sure. Sometimes, he thought he imagined Soubi's sweet words, since he never seemed to receive them from anyone else. Other times he thought that Soubi was simply an illusion his mind had created to keep the loneliness at bay and keep his loveless mind from doing anything rash. It wouldn't surprise him. He knew from his psychology classes what one's mind could do, the power it had over the body and senses. He knew that wasn't true, though. Those thoughts were just to keep his torn mind occupied when he was at home. Besides, if Ritsuka had an imaginary friend, it certainly wouldn't be an eccentric long-haired university student. It would at least be something more normal.

"I promise," Soubi smiled, sealing the promise. Ritsuka's heart fluttered, suddenly distracted by Soubi's beautiful smile. He believed him. He couldn't remember the last time Soubi had broken an important promise like this. "Be careful, Ritsuka, alright?"

Ritsuka just nodded and silently dug out his key from his pocket, using his bandaged hand to unlock the door. His mind soared with false hope, which was the first sign of his desperation and the first turn on the road to pain. Maybe his mother wouldn't be here.

He didn't glance back at Soubi, even when he slipped inside the dark house. Those feelings were coming back from the darkness, reigniting themselves, making him shake and quiver with the fear and the new onset of even worse frustration.

In the entry hall was a mirror, a polished glass mirror. It hung across from the door, and Ritsuka was met with his reflection as soon as he walked in the door. His hands clenched at his sides, his nails digging into his own skin, making crimson bead beneath his fingers on his un-bandaged hand. His reflection stared back at him, glaring at him, unblinking. Its lips curled up in the beginning of an evil smile. Ritsuka made the opposite expression in retaliation. Why did that boy in the mirror seem so different from him? They were the same, but Ritsuka couldn't stand the sight of the other. He mocked him, copying his expression. Ritsuka looked away, dropping its gaze.

The frustration bubbled again, threatening to boil over and to spill its contents and make Ritsuka lose himself completely. His mother wanted a girl. He disappointed her and she reminded him of it every single day. She made sure of that. For six months, every day, the confusion just grew and grew. He wasn't normal. He liked to wear girls' clothes. He read 'girl' books instead of 'boy' books. He was too small. He looked too feminine. He never played sports or talked about the same things the other boys did. He tried and tried, tried to force himself to hang out with the other boys, but every time a pack of girls walked by, he couldn't help but think '_I'm a girl, too. Why can't I hang out with them?_'

He didn't feel right here, in this body. He was ashamed and embarrassed by it, willing to do anything at all to get away from it. This meant that he usually gave up and gave in, often discarding whatever he was doing to seem normal in favor for the things he actually liked to do. He hated giving in; it meant he was admitting defeat, but what could he do? He couldn't live with all that frustration and anger, not when it was to the point where he wanted to hurt himself and was tempted to do so. Being in this body _hurt_ so much. It hurt thinking he was the wrong sex. It confused him why he felt this way sometimes and not others. It frustrated him to no end. It angered him even more than it frustrated him. It made him completely hate himself, caused him to want to maim that ugly 'boy' in the mirror, to tear him apart until there was no more feeling left. He wanted to be numb, to have this pain stolen away from him.

That other boy in the mirror was taunting him. He'd looked back at the reflection, his fingers curling around the large wooden-handled umbrella. _Go away_, he warned, as if he could make the reflection disappear by simply willing it to. When it didn't, his anger intensified. He gripped the heavy object in his right hand, his fingers curling into a fist around the handle.

Without another thought, Ritsuka sent it flying, shattering yet another mirror into a million pieces.

**I've actually been sitting on this story for a few months. Well, I've been sitting on this _chapter_ for a few months. I decided to start writing it again and found this in my email. I was skeptical about uploading it, since I didn't and still don't know if people will like it since the theme is a bit controversial. If it's received well, I will continue it ASAP.**

**Review please?  
>~Wolfie<strong>


	2. I am not the fairest of them all

**I am certainly not the fairest of them all**

The hardest part about it was getting dressed. Or at least it felt like that in the groggy mornings when Ritsuka was finally able to drag himself out of bed and find a way to shower without irritating his bandaged hand. He always showered in the dark. He hadn't always done this, of course, and he liked to think it was because he just didn't like the bright lights in the morning. He knew this was not the case. But it made him feel minimally better to think that.

Today was just one of those days that, at the shrill sound of his alarm clock awakening, he could simply feel it was going to be one of _those_ days. A bad day is what he liked to call them, because they were never good and always filled with the confusing and duplicitous thoughts that he did _not_ like to think under any circumstance but could not stop. He had already had a lot of bad days this month. They seemed to come in quick succession lately. No matter how hard he tried, he could not make a bad day good, just as he couldn't get those thoughts out of his head.

It was three months after the day he had broken the mirror in his bathroom. The wound on his hand had been well healed until his mother had reopened it just the other day, when she had reminded him of the entire reason why she hated him. If only he were different. Then she would like him…

Ritsuka's secret was beginning to become more and more consuming. He wondered some days if he would feel this way even if his mother didn't care about his gender. He had always sort of known there was something wrong with him, something that wasn't right. But it wasn't like he was ever able to name it. Back then, it had been okay for him to act like a girl and wear feminine things. No one had ever complained. Then he grew up. And things changed. And suddenly, it _wasn't_ okay. Around the time he had begun to realize something was off just happened to be the time that his mother began to voice her opinions rather loudly and violently. Maybe she had helped it along, but Ritsuka had no doubt in his mind that he would still feel different and 'not right' even if she hadn't started to hate his gender.

He was grateful for his room, or more for the size of it. He had a walk in closet and upon rolling out of bed in the morning, he would somehow find his way to it and shut himself in, thinking, sitting alone in the dark. Sometimes he'd strip off all his clothes and turn the light on and stand bare naked in front of the mirror. He would run his nails over the parts of his body that he hated. His girlish hips, his skinny arms, his feminine thighs, even his face sometimes. He would run his nails over the spots, scratching with growing urgency until he had dug deep enough to make himself bleed. Then, and only then, would he stare motionlessly at his reflection in the mirror, bleeding from multiple spots. It was only on those days that he would realize that he didn't hate his girly hips, his feminine thighs, or his soft face, but he hated what was in between his legs. He didn't hate the fact that he looked like a girl. _He hated the fact that he was a boy._

Today, he was stuck doing that. The light from the closet blinded him, reflecting in the mirror, as he stared at the body that did not agree with his brain. He…He wasn't a boy, was he? He just didn't know anymore. It was too hard, all of this. Every day now he had these thoughts. It had only gotten worse. Nine months now. Soubi was still his only solace, the only one who didn't judge him and didn't make him feel terrible. It wasn't that all the others _meant _ to make him feel terrible. With some people, their intentions were only good, but the littlest thing still made Ritsuka hurt and ache.

The only time Soubi made him feel like that were times like last night.

He was going to be late. He'd spent too much time staring into the mirror. He left no time for lingering and quickly pulled a pair of school pants from their hanger, pulling on a pair of panties without a second thought and then pulling his pants on. His thoughts were elsewhere, in the past, in the happenings of last night. It'd all been fine. They'd been kissing on the bed, like so many other times. Ritsuka had said it was okay. He had given him the okay. Soon he was half-naked and Soubi was, too, and they were rolling around on the bed together, kisses growing wet and sloppy on Ritsuka's part, the flurry of heat and passion from both of them leaving little time for Ritsuka to be oh-so-reminded of the organ pushing against the fabric of his panties. Little time, but not no time. And then Soubi had asked. He'd been polite, a gentleman about it all, just like always. He'd completely and absolutely stopped, forcing Ritsuka to stop the frantic kissing, as well, and had asked if he wanted to go further.

Despite the hate for himself swirling inside of him, despite the fact that he hated what was 'down there', despite that he didn't feel 'just right' at the time, he'd still said yes, and the moment Soubi had gotten him to completely relax on the bed and Ritsuka had seen that he was going for the button on Ritsuka's pants, the boy had slapped him away and ran into the bathroom, where he'd looked down at the bulge in his jeans, collapsed against the wall on the shower, and had burst into ugly, disgusting tears at how ugly and disgusting _he _was for being so confused. He was a boy. That much was obvious. That was his gender. That was what he was. And yet…it didn't feel right, trying to act like a boy and wearing boy clothes. Nothing like that felt right. Including this. At times like that, it was so obvious he wasn't a girl. It was like being forced to face it. He loved Soubi. He wanted him. He wanted to do that stuff with him. Soubi had done everything right. He _always_ did everything right. It was Ritsuka that was the problem, Ritsuka and his dammed disgusting body and mind.

Thankfully, _she_ was not awake once Ritsuka had haphazardly dressed and rushed downstairs and grabbed a piece of toast before running out the door. As he barely caught the bus, he tried to silence his thoughts. It worked, for the time being, and soon, the only thing on Ritsuka's mind was waking Soubi up before he slept too late and missed his class and how disappointed he was that he'd forgotten to toast him 'toast' and had run out the door with a floppy piece of bread in his mouth.

…

_Dear Diary, _

Ritsuka nibbled on the end of his pencil. School bored him, like always, and he liked to stay away from the other students. Stupid Soubi, making him apply to one of the most prestigious schools in the city. He could be kind of irritating with things like that sometimes, but Ritsuka knew it was for the best and that he only had good intentions. Still…Ritsuka didn't exactly agree with his idea to send him here. It was set up like a university, complete with professors and dorms. Ritsuka, of course, did not live on campus. He wasn't proud of it, but he'd sort of thrown a tantrum when Soubi had suggested it. The school was hard and very selective, and the kids were quite competitive.

_March 16, 2012. _

_ Today is a bad day. _

The kids. Ritsuka supposed that they weren't _bad_, per say. Most were kind. People just weren't his thing. It wasn't that the other kids didn't like him. There weren't many cliques in the school, and Ritsuka often got kindhearted invites to study with a group or to eat lunch with them. They were extremely competitive, though not mean-spirited. Just competitive. This resulted in them also being quite judgmental and often pointing out others' flaws.

_It happened again last night. Third time in two weeks. If I were him, I'd be getting fed up with the way I run off every time we try to do anything like that. It's not that I don't want to._

So, he liked to stay away. He didn't typically enjoy social interaction, and he didn't want his insecurities and secrets exposed. There were a couple people who talked to him on a daily basis. He wasn't hated, nor disliked. He could be friends with the other students, if he wanted to. But he didn't want to.

_I feel bad about it. He never asks why afterwards. He knows I don't want to talk about it. I'm being so unfair to him…_

Ritsuka had a very small number of people he talked to on a daily basis. Number one was obviously Soubi. Then there were Natsuo and Youji, and Kio, too. Ritsuka still talked to Yuiko and Yayoi quite a bit. And then there was a group of girls at the school he enjoyed talking with. They were mainly the only ones he talked to regularly. There were four of them, all quiet, though not shy, to others and overly kind. They were simply acquaintances, but unlike the others at the school, they didn't judge as much.

_I don't know why I won't let him touch me. I'm okay with it, I guess. I give him permission, and I do want it, so there's no problems with that. It's not like he pressures me into it, either. He's completely fine if I say no. It's not him. It's me. The problem is me. I don't want him to see me. Maybe if all the lights were off and his glasses were off and if I could ignore my body, it would work. I just don't want him to see me. I'm disgusting and he thinks I'm perfect. What if he finds out?_

Ritsuka tapped his pencil on the table in this particular lecture hall. If the teacher wasn't here in ten more minutes, they were allowed to leave. Ritsuka had to call Soubi again to make sure he was up. Stupid man… Ritsuka smiled, despite the words he was writing in his diary. That man could sleep through alarms like no one else. If Ritsuka wasn't around to wake him up, he'd fail his classes because he'd be so truant.

Another thought crossed his mind. He'd probably do a lot worse if he didn't have Soubi. Ritsuka didn't want to know where he'd be. Maybe he wouldn't be here at all.

_It's kind of obvious. There's scars all over my hips and thighs from where I scratch myself. And I wear panties. That would probably really freak him out. Why can't I just be normal? I don't want him looking at my body. He'll figure it out. I know he will. I don't want to lose him… He wouldn't like me anymore if he found out about…what I think about on a daily basis. I'm just stupid… I want to try again. Maybe if I try to be more normal and let him touch me, I'll feel better. But…even though I think it'd feel good, I always feel horrible when I get…aroused. I feel like it doesn't belong, like it's reminding me of all this. _

Ritsuka wildly checked behind him, looking for anyone who might be looking over his shoulder. No one. Good. Still no teacher. He could keep on writing. He flipped the page, as he'd filled up the last one.

_I really do love him, and I think I should tell him. I feel like I'm lying to him by hiding all this. I guess it's hiding what I really am, and who. He'd hate me if he found out. I want to tell him, but I love him too much. I depend on him too much to lose_

"What's this?"

People in this school also had a severe lack of personal space.

Things like this happened a lot.

Ritsuka stood abruptly, knocking his chair to the ground, facing the much bigger, taller boy. Oh, how he hated being younger than everyone else. His puberty was very slow going, so he had a relatively high voice, and he hadn't grown very much. He was scrawny and skinny, and, as Ritsuka knew all-too-well, had a very feminine body type. Unfortunately.

"That isn't funny. Give it back!" Ritsuka held out his hand for it, attempting to look intimidating, even when having to look up to see the other boy. He tried to look strong, demanding, when in the back of his head, he kept thinking: _Don't turn the page, don't turn the page, don't read it, please don't read it. _He panicked when his secret was in danger of being found out. Thus, his reaction with Soubi the previous night, and his reaction to the boy today. This really _**wasn't **_funny and he hoped the boy stopped fooling around before Ritsuka really lost his temper on it.

The taller boy used his height advantage over Ritsuka, holding up the book to read out of it. Aloud. In a very loud, booming voice. The entire lecture hall was turned towards them—the scrawny little virgin fifteen year-old, and the much larger sports player sixteen year-old, who topped the younger by over a foot.

"What are you writing? Why shouldn't I be allowed to see? 'I really do love him'—Oh? Is this what you wanted to hide?"

Ritsuka just wanted to curl up out of shame, so that he wouldn't have to go through this embarrassment. All eyes were on them, now, and this class was a good size of about forty students. He really hated all the attention being on him, especially when he'd been writing such personal, humiliating things. He'd had that diary for six months. If this boy flipped through it, he'd find all of Ritsuka's thoughts and happenings for the past half-year. All of his secrets were in there. If anyone found and read that book, they'd know _everything_. That thought absolutely terrified Ritsuka, more than anything.

"Give it back!" He was doing nothing to help the situation, with his screaming. The other boy seemed to be taken aback by his reaction, as he startled and his expression fell into one of seriousness. Ritsuka was fuming, his small hands balled up into fists at his sides, his face scrunched up in an expression of utmost anger. His ears stood straight up, his tail bristled out, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up to complete the image of a furious kitten.

"Sorry…?" The boy backed off, dropping the book onto Ritsuka's desk. Ritsuka just stood there, his eyes wide as he looked around the classroom, at the students who were all staring at him, all of them silent, with the exception of a few girls seated behind him, snickering. That was all it took for Ritsuka to gather his things in a few hurried motions and bolt out of the room, not even stopping when he ran straight into the professor, knocking him over.

…

"Aren't you in school right now?"

That was how Soubi had answered the phone, along with a long yawn that told Ritsuka that he had been a procrastinating idiot and had stayed up a good portion of the night to finish a project. Ritsuka was at the river near the school, huddled under a bridge, hugging himself to try to keep warm. Across the river, a couple of homeless people burned wood and papers, the fire giving off enough smoke to waft over to Ritsuka's side, giving the reason he was covering his nose with his gloved hand. He hated the smell of smoke. He was beginning to develop an actual physical problem with it.

"Yes. No. Yes, but no," Ritsuka struggled to explain without giving away his true reason for running out of class. Soubi wouldn't be very impressed with him cutting school just for the hell of it. He might actually get angry at him for that, and that was the last thing Ritsuka needed in his life right now. "I'm sorry… Something happened in class today and I left."

A long pause. Ritsuka bit his rough, chapped lips. It was a bad habit that had developed pretty recently. Due to him being nervous and worried a lot, his lips were badly bruised and bled often and from the very slightest irritation. Finally, Soubi said something, sounding a little more awake, "What happened, Ritsuka? Are you alright?" Damn…He sounded worried. Ritsuka hadn't meant to make him worry. He hated being such a burden on him. Why couldn't he just be a normal boy? Everything would be so much better.

_I am not a girl._

The mantra still ran through his head at least once every hour. _Not a girl, not a girl, not a girl. _His breathing was uneven, and he grew even angrier at himself. He was a boy. These thoughts shouldn't be running through his head so often. He was a boy, not a girl. He was an ugly, disgusting boy who was making too much of a fuss over some things his mommy said. He was nothing more than a little child, upset over something small and making a huge fuss over it. He was not a girl. He hated himself for thinking such a thing. He didn't allow those kinds of thoughts…and yet…They always found a way in, no matter what. He had to be normal.

_I am not a girl._

His stomach. Fuck. What the hell was going on? He pressed his gloved hand closer to his mouth, his stomach tightening, clenching completely, as if trying to crush itself. His other hand still held the phone to his ear, and he rocked back and forth on the pavement, unable to speak out of fear of throwing up. This…What was this? He stomach clenched tighter, as if in response to his thoughts. He made a whimpering noise, his eyes shut tightly.

"Ritsuka? Is something wrong?"

The cellphone was on the pavement now. Ritsuka could hear Soubi yelling, panicking, but he was too busy throwing up to respond. He'd actually made himself sick with the thoughts he'd been thinking before. This was only getting worse.

…

Ritsuka didn't remember getting there all that much, but he was suddenly in the nurse's office with the nurse's assistant fusing over him. He'd gotten a fever, apparently. And Soubi was here, nearby, signing forms to get Ritsuka out of school for the day. Ritsuka didn't exactly knew how that worked—Soubi was the person the school called in times like these, not his mother, and yet, Ritsuka still lived with his mother. He didn't question it. Soubi had some odd connections, and there was no questioning that.

His head hurt, throbbing as Ritsuka threw an arm over his eyes in order to block out the over head light. Too goddamn bright. How had this happened? He'd been feeling a little queasy this morning, sure, but Ritsuka was often groggy in the mornings, and he'd barely gotten any breakfast. He really hadn't thought anything of it. It was just so normal, and this was very sudden. Had those thoughts actually caused him to become sick? Was that even possible? He _had_ to put a stop to this. He had to be normal. He had to try harder. He had to do normal things, read normal things, wear normal things, and react normally to thinks. Then, and only then, would he start to stop feeling and thinking these things. Yes, they would stop completely. He would stop hating himself so much.

But for now, he couldn't really think about that. His stomach was still feeling as if it was trying to turn itself inside out, his head throbbing, and his body aching all over. He didn't even want to get up and walk with Soubi to the car. He wanted to curl up and die here. He covered his nose with his other hand, upon smelling a very haunting and familiar scent. Something was burning. God, he hated that scent. Soubi made a comment about it, apparently noticing it, as well, and the nursing assistant scurried off to the microwave, having left her lunch in for too long. Ritsuka rolled over on the futon, groaning at the pain that moving caused.

At least the throbbing in his head left no room for _those_ kinds of thoughts. That was the up side, he guessed, that and Soubi had come to pick him up early from school. Ritsuka nearly smiled at the thought. As much as he hated being a burden on Soubi, the way he took care of Ritsuka always made him feel better. They hadn't been able to spend _too _much time together, due to them both having finals in the last week, but that was over with now. Thank god. Maybe it was just too stressful of a time, and now that things had let up a bit, Ritsuka would start feeling better. Maybe. Wishful thinking was always a must.

_Tap, tap, tap. _Footsteps. Soubi was approaching him, probably having finished the paperwork. This was affirmed once Ritsuka felt a pleasantly warm, familiar hand on his forehead. A sigh and then the hand moved down to gently stroke his cheek and further down to lightly tap him on the shoulder. Ritsuka didn't move, only giving an ear flick and a quiet groaning sound, that was some variation of 'I'm awake'.

"Are you ready to go?" His voice was gentle, soft. All thoughts left Ritsuka at the sound of it. If only Soubi knew what he did to him. He gave the best nod he could. His bag was at the end of the futon, packed up with all his things. Soubi didn't seem angry. Ritsuka's teacher mustn't have told him about Ritsuka running out of the school, nearly in tears. He was quite grateful for that, actually. The discipline policy here was strict, and Ritsuka found it odd that he'd been let off so easily.

"Should I carry you?" There was a tone of amusement to Soubi's voice.

_Yes._ He liked being close to Soubi. He trusted him with his life and even more. He was the only person Ritsuka had let get so close to him. He was _definitely _the only person Ritsuka would consider letting carry him out of the school. He was the kind of man Ritsuka wished to be when he grew up—strong, tall, masculine…Was this the thoughts returning? So soon…

"N…No…" It would be humiliating if the other students witnessed Ritsuka being carried out by someone they knew by the name of 'his [Ritsuka's] boyfriend'. He struggled to sit up. He truly was wishing to be held right now. He wasn't nearly as strong as he tried to appear around others, Soubi included. In fact, he was extremely weak when he came down to it. He was just a big lie, trying to live the life of someone else, not even knowing who _he_ was, meaning that others wouldn't know, either.

He wanted so badly to tell. Someone, anyone. This secret was starting to burst. Over the past nine months, it had grew and grew, swollen and swollen. Like a balloon. And now that balloon had grown too full and was about to finally _pop_. When it did, elastic would get all over and it would startle some people, and most would hate the noise and mess of it. It was better for the balloon to just stay blown up, but that was impossible when air kept being blown into it with no escape, wasn't it? Either they deflated or _popped_, and this one was way passed deflating, no matter how hard Ritsuka tried.

Soubi held out a hand to help him up, and Ritsuka took it without hesitation. He was pulled up onto his feet and it took a moment to steady himself and stop the world from spinning so much. He leaned on Soubi, half for support, and half just because he wanted to be close. He allowed his eyes to shut, just for a minute, and sighed. This was the only time those feelings felt subdued. This was the only time he felt more like himself.

And yet, that feeling was disappearing, even around Soubi. He was running out of time and would soon be forced to face himself.

…

"Is everything alright?"

Ritsuka was a bit startled at the question. Soubi hadn't said very much on the way back to his apartment, and hadn't said so much as a simple word since they'd arrived. It had given Ritsuka time to breathe, though he'd tried not to think very much, as that would lead to things he didn't want. He'd been aching for conversation, even through the throbbing pain of his head and the painful bubbling of his stomach.

"What?" Ritsuka was at the kitchen table, slumped over, his cheek resting against the wood of the table, watching Soubi. "I'm fine. Except for being sick."

"You've been acting a bit strangely," Soubi had clearly tried to make it a nonchalant comment, but he had glanced away from sorting out medicine for Ritsuka to take to meet Ritsuka's eyes. He was worried. Ritsuka's heart nearly stopped. He'd noticed. He knew. He knew he knew he knew he knew—

No. He didn't know. He was just worried. It was okay. It was alright. He didn't know about Ritsuka's secret. He hadn't figured it out. Ritsuka fought to control his breathing. Even. In, out, in, out. His heart gradually slowed it's fast beating. Calm. Nothing was wrong. He couldn't let Soubi see that his words had bothered him.

"Everything's fine. School's been stressful. That's all," Ritsuka closed his eyes. He'd had the chance. He'd had the chance to ask for help, to tell Soubi. He'd had the chance and he'd missed it, messed it up completely. He wanted to tell him, but, at the same time, he didn't. After all, where would that lead to? Certainly not good things… But it was getting to be too much to handle.

He rested his head on the table again, closing his eyes. His eyelids felt heavy, his head hot, as well as the rest of his body. He slowly drifted into a sleep, not even protesting when Soubi shook him awake and made him take medicine. He went right back to sleep in his arms, half thankful for his raging headache, which kept thoughts from entering his head. At least for now.

However, though this was a small distraction, Ritsuka could feel what was coming. He had the sense of impending doom that refused to leave his body. He knew something was coming. And it scared him to death—because he knew it'd mean facing the truth.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm switching my main focus over to this story, and I'll try to update at least bi-weekly from now on. Sorry 'bout the wait. Won't happen again. I'm planning somewhere around 7-9 chapters.<strong>

**-Wolfie**


	3. I am but an ugly prince

**The mirror always lies, lies, I am but an ugly prince**

The sickness gave Ritsuka a good, legitimate excuse to stay at Soubi's apartment. He jumped at the chance to stay the night, though he was less-than-enthusiastic to give his mother a call and tell her. It wasn't like she'd notice, anyways. Sometimes she noticed, and other times she didn't. There was really no way to tell. It was that unpredictability that drove Ritsuka insane, nearly, if he wasn't already. There was nothing constant about her. One moment she was fine, the next she was screaming and throwing things at Ritsuka for something he couldn't control. It was good to get out of there. Ritsuka took any chance he could to do so.

She didn't pick up. Ritsuka hung up the phone after one trying, knowing that trying again was useless. His mother was a persistent woman. If she wanted to ignore him, she would, and wouldn't change her mind. That was that. She didn't want to talk to him. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to think of him and how much she'd disappointed her. That was fine. Absolutely fine. He got it already, and had for over a year now. Why even try? It wasn't like he could make her love him. He had tried. It was useless. He disappointed her too much.

He pulled a heavy blanket around him to calm the chills that wracked his body and shuffled into the main room, flopping down on the couch and pulling his limbs under the blanket so that he was huddled underneath it.

"I'll be back later. I'll try to cut it short today, but I have a lot of paperwork to get done."

A short nod from Ritsuka, distracted, almost. Soubi had run him through emergency numbers and procedures a million times before, so it wasn't like Ritsuka was new to being left alone at his apartment. Not that it was for very long, either. Soubi only worked for a few hours in the evening, usually returning home at about eight. Ritsuka wouldn't express his disappointment that he had to go in today. He knew he was the reason Soubi had even decided to get a job in the first place. Soubi hadn't ever told him outright, but Ritsuka had seen the papers left atop his desk. He was looking into taking Ritsuka's parents to court. Both of them. Ritsuka knew. And Ritsuka didn't care.

If Ritsuka was smart, he would've gotten _himself_ out of there a long time ago. But he wasn't smart. He was staying with his mother, too scared of what she'd do to herself and to him if he moved out. He had a place to go if he did decide to move out. He had a home here, with Soubi. They both knew he wouldn't move out on his own, though. Even if Soubi didn't know of Ritsuka's mother hating him for being a girl, he did know of the abuse. He had known for years. There wasn't a way he could ignore it, both of them. How could they when just about every night, Ritsuka would call Soubi and try to hold back the tears as he asked him to come over? Soubi had never tried to pretend it didn't happen; Ritsuka would prefer to. Soubi had always refused to ignore it. He was always making sure Ritsuka knew he was welcomed to live with him and still offered to kill his mother and take him far, far away. God, that was tempting sometimes.

Having a job helped him pay for the legal fees and keep the apartment. It wasn't like he really had trouble with it. He had a well paying job, even if it was only part-time, and Ritsuka suspected that he did something for Septimal Moon, as well. It also probably made him look better to the court as a guardian. A lot of things had changed in the last few months. Soubi had upgraded into a two bedroom apartment, and had kicked Natsuo and Youji out, though not completely. They just didn't live together. They actually lived next door, which Ritsuka honestly thought was dumb. Soubi apparently didn't like how their loudness often cost him sleep.

"You'll be okay by yourself?"

Ritsuka awoke out of his trance and turned his attention back to Soubi, nodding. Yes, he'd be alright. He remembered back when Soubi had first gotten this job, Ritsuka would panic every time he was late. He'd learned by now, though, that Soubi actually came home, and didn't forget. Ritsuka had had some bad experiences with that. At least now new knew it wouldn't happen.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Ritsuka stood carefully and tiptoed over to Soubi, leaned up quite a bit to place a kiss on the side of his mouth, only remembering afterward that he was sick. "Don't piss your boss off today," He offered with a small smile. He was alright now. He still had that raging headache, but he was okay, with the exception of his sickness. He didn't feel too wrong right now. He was comfortable at the moment, okay with his own skin and lack of masculinity. It was these times that left him to wonder about himself. He could think about it in a rational way and remember what he'd felt before. It never really left his thoughts.

Soubi returned the smile, "I'll bring you some cold medicine when I come back. Don't go out and make sure to rest. Natsuo and Youji said they'd check on you. I love you."

"See you later."

Ritsuka watched him leave, his stomach twisting itself into knots, unsettling for the first time since he'd thrown up earlier. He didn't do anything at first, only stood at the door, his hand raised in a sort of a half wave, his tail twitching and his stomach making the most upsetting noises. He should've said it back. He felt that way. Never had he said 'I love you' back to him, though. Saying that meant affirming something. While he did love Soubi, he felt too guilty at hiding such a huge part of himself from him. Soubi was going to find out at one point about Ritsuka's secret, but not because Ritsuka would tell him. He knew that much already. It was simply inevitable. He couldn't tell Soubi his feelings, not when he was still hiding things from him. That was, in Ritsuka's mind, equivalent to lying to him.

He padded out to the small balcony, opening the French doors to in and stepping out on the cold stone to lean on the railing and look five stories below. He watched Soubi leave, and waved goodbye to him when he caught his eye. It was normal, all these things. Like he lived here. He wished he could leave his mother. If he did, would all these feelings go away? Ritsuka stopped in mid-wave and watched as Soubi pulled out of the parking lot. There was clearly something wrong with him. He was a boy. That was how he'd been born. But he wasn't a boy. He didn't feel like one. He felt so dammed _wrong_ trying to be a boy.

He froze up completely. That was the first time he'd ever let himself think that he wasn't a boy. It felt so very natural that he hadn't even stopped himself. Was this normal? To be confused like this? To hate his body and gender so much that he purposefully avoided both mirrors and other boys and anything else that would bring thoughts into his head? He wasn't in the right body. He'd _tried_. He'd tried so hard to be normal. It just _wasn't working. _What was the point, anyways? Trying to act like something he wasn't—it was pathetic, really, not to mention exceptionally frustrating. He just wanted to be normal, but that was impossible. He couldn't be who he was supposed to.

These kind of feelings couldn't be normal.

…

By seven, Ritsuka was bored out of his mind. He'd taken the medicine that'd been set out for him, slept, watched TV, and even done his homework. He'd never realized how ridiculously _boring_ it got around here when Soubi wasn't home. He tried to distract himself the best he could, but even the pounding of his head couldn't keep his mind from wandering to the things he'd been thinking about as he watched Soubi leave and what he'd thought about earlier. He really wasn't normal. He was feeling things he shouldn't. He should feel right. He shouldn't doubt his gender. All of his trying was taking its wear on him. He was tired all the time, had red marks all over his body from the scratching, and now he was even sick because of it. He just wanted it all to end.

Maybe it was a phase, or something of the sort. Perhaps it was part of puberty. Did everyone hate their bodies like Ritsuka did? He wondered if other kids could stand naked in a mirror without hating every inch of themselves and wanting to make it all go away. He wished he could ask, but he didn't know how. How did someone actually go about asking such a thing, anyways? Was he just supposed to come out and say 'Do you ever feel like you're not the gender you were born as?'? People would think he was weird. They would laugh at him for thinking such a thing and they would call him stupid, crazy, even. No one would want to be around him. They would laugh and say, '_Ritsuka thinks he's a girl!_'. He knew it. There was no way he could tell anyone.

But maybe… He could maybe find out more about this. Maybe it really wasn't all that weird. Maybe there were people like him. Soubi had left his laptop out for him to use. Ritsuka could easily look a few things up and then clear his history of the day. It would be as simple as that. And Ritsuka _had_ to know. This all was boiling up inside of him and he just wanted to indulge a little. Just this once. Then he'd go back to trying to be normal. He made a promise to himself. Yes, that's what he'd do. Looking it up would help him find ways to make these feelings go away.

He was nervous, looking all around the empty apartment as if someone was there, before opening the internet and immediately going to a search engine. He then found himself quite stuck. What now? What exactly did he call this? He hated himself. He hated himself for being so girly. He hated his gender, too. He was a he, but then, he _wasn't_. That fact felt so natural, and was probably the truest one. How…How could he think that with such ease? He was obviously a boy. He wore male clothing and acted like a male, or at least _tried_ to, but…It just didn't feel right.

He didn't want to be like the other boys. When they looked at a group of girls, they usually thought about wanting them. When Ritsuka looked at a group of girls, all he could think about was how much he wanted to _be _them. It was terrible, and messed up, because he was such a failure. He was a failure to his mother because he wasn't the little girl she wanted. He was a failure to Soubi because he couldn't say how much he loved him, and he was keeping a huge part of himself from him. Soubi wouldn't want some little boy who thought he was a girl. No one wanted that, not even himself.

Without thinking, he had typed in the word 'gender' into the search box and was now staring at it, unsure whether or not to press the enter key. As if to stall time, being afraid of what he'd find out, he looked at the suggested choices of searching, reading through them slowly as he looked at the time every few seconds. He only had about a half hour until the time Soubi got off of work. He kept on reading, none of the choices standing out to him. Until he got to the last one, that is. Gender identity. It jumped out at him and Ritsuka froze, able to put two and two together. This was what he wanted. Trembling slightly, he clicked on it, and then was led to a variety of search choices.

He was scared to know. He was terrified that this wasn't normal, while, at the same time, he was scared to think that there were others like him. Was that even possible? Could someone actually live through this confusion for years? It'd been nine months for him. Six months of diary keeping. Four months of knowing that this wasn't going to go away. Three months of not even being able to look at himself in a mirror. Two months of scratching himself in an obsessive manner. One month of pain that was ever present and rarely went away. It was only getting worse, and Ritsuka honestly didn't think he'd be able to take it too much longer. What if there were people like him—people who thought they weren't the gender they actually were? What if…? Maybe they could help him hide it? Maybe they could help him be normal?

He clicked on the first link on the search results, unable to quit his trembling. It was an online encyclopedia article. It might not be the most accurate, but Ritsuka only wanted a general idea of what exactly 'gender identity' was. He could assume what it was, but he was curious. It didn't take him long to get confused. Online encyclopedias used a lot of big words and confusing wording. Sighing, Ritsuka tried to decipher what was being said, and was eventually able to get the general idea from reading the first paragraph again and again. Gender identity was the gender someone thought they were. Not what they were born.

Even that felt like too much right now. It'd confirmed his fears, or at least some of them. This wasn't normal. People didn't feel like he felt every day. People felt normal. They felt 'right' all the time. He didn't. He was weird and there was something wrong with him, because apparently his 'gender identity' didn't match what his gender actually was. He wasn't normal, and he hated it, he hated it so much. And he was scared. He was more scared than he'd ever been, because this was _not_ going away. He was scared to even try to read the next paragraph on this article. He was scared of what it'd mean. He knew he was on the right page and had chosen the right thing to search. It was that rightness that scared him, because there _should not_ be a word for this, for that could define whether Ritsuka gender identity was right or wrong, and it was most definitely wrong.

It took almost ten minutes of staring at the screen before he could force himself to read more. Ritsuka's hands shook on the keys and made it nearly impossible for him to scroll down. The next paragraph was just as confusing, if not more, and it just scared him more. Transgender. It wasn't a new term to Ritsuka. He'd heard it on the news and TV more than a few times, but he'd never paid too much attention, as the word didn't really pertain to him back then. On the website, there was a link on the word, and something clicked inside of Ritsuka when he read the definition.

"Someone who's 'gender identity' (their own identification as woman, man, neither, or both) does not match their 'assigned sex' (identification by others as male, female, or intersex based on their physical sex). Someone who does not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth."

No. No, no, no, no. This wasn't happening. There wasn't a word for his…his _disease. _There wasn't a word that defined him. No. This wasn't happening, couldn't be happening. Ritsuka shoved the laptop off of his lap, curling up and staring at it. He wasn't… He could hide this. If he couldn't be normal, he could just pretend that he was. No one would ever know. He could deal with this, couldn't he? There had to be a way. No one _could_ ever know. They'd just laugh and… and… It was too hard. He just wanted a way to turn off his feelings. There had to be some sort of way to feel normal again. He knew this wasn't going away, but if he could just fix it temporarily, that would give him time to think about what exactly to do.

Ritsuka sat and stared at the laptop as if it were the plague. He didn't want to look away, but he didn't want to touch it out of fear of the other things he'd see on that page. He'd already found out quite a bit. He'd already figured out that he needed help and that there were apparently others like him, and that there was a word for what he felt and the sickness he had. It all scared him so much. He didn't think he'd ever been so terrified in his life, with the exception of the day he'd walked in his elementary school classroom to find what he'd thought to be his brother's charred body.

His ears perked up, hearing footsteps in the hallway outside the shut and locked door, growing closer. He glanced up at the clock on the way and…oh god, Soubi was home now. There was no doubt about that—it was already past eight, and he could now hear a key being inserted into the door. His stomach was hurting again, making him want to throw up. It was as if it was trying to desperately wring the bad thoughts out of his body. He knew that was why he'd gotten sick in the first place. Stress took its toll on a person's body. It had definitely weakened his immune system, if nothing else. He felt just as sick as he had at school, if not more. The betraying thoughts in his head certainly didn't help matters at all.

_You're not really a boy, are you? You try so hard, don't you? But it's never enough. You can never stop feeling like a girl. You're not a boy. Stop even trying. It's useless. You're useless._

Ritsuka jumped up as the door creaked open, his eyes wide open in alarm. He had to get this to stop, or just get some thinking time where this aching problem wouldn't bias his thoughts. He just wanted freedom for it for a few minutes. Nothing more. He just wanted to feel normal again, if only for a little bit.

"Is something wrong, Ritsuka?"

Soubi had clearly noticed his startled jumping up as soon as he'd entered. Ritsuka hurriedly shook his head and put on a fake smile. Soubi trusted him. He could fool Soubi easily. "I'm fine. You startled me, that's all, I promise." He wrapped the heavy blanket around himself again. He didn't like to look at his skin, if even the pale skin of his arms. He stepped closer to Soubi, leaning up to give him an almost apologetic kiss for acting so strangely. And then it dawned on him. Sex. Ritsuka wanted it. Soubi obviously wanted something of the sort, as well, though Ritsuka had run away every time. That would make him feel better. It hurt and felt wrong every time Ritsuka got aroused, but if someone could distract him from those internal feelings, that'd be okay, wouldn't it?

"Are you alright to eat dinner? I'll just make soup for you," With a returned smile, Soubi passed by him, walking into the kitchenette. Ritsuka followed close behind, rubbing his itchy eyes. The medication from before was starting to wear off by now, and the symptoms were returning, as well as some new ones. Ritsuka could only hope that this was like a twenty-four hour flu and nothing more. He didn't think he could handle the stress of a very worried and frantic Soubi dragging him to multiple doctors. Soubi tended to be very…overbearing when it came to parenting. A perfectionist, almost. He wanted to make sure that everything was perfect and whatnot, even when Ritsuka insisted that it was alright; any change from his current household would be fine.

Speaking of which, he'd have to call his mother tonight, and most likely, his out of country father. His mother was terrible by now. She couldn't even go out without causing a scene. This, in turn, caused his father to be out more. He never liked dealing with her. He was out on business trips, and though he often called Ritsuka, he liked to stay as disconnected as possible. Ritsuka supposed it was better than him drinking at home. He didn't particularly enjoy his father's company at home, and he certainly didn't have a very high opinion of the man regardless. However, that was nothing compared to Soubi. It was almost laughable how much he hated both Ritsuka's parents. Ritsuka _would_ think it was funny, if he didn't know that all those threats Soubi mumbled under his breath were actually serious. He would probably do most, if not all, those things if Ritsuka wouldn't restrain him.

"Yeah, that's fine," Ritsuka sat up on the counter as if it was nothing out of the ordinary. Which it wasn't. This place was more like home than anywhere. Ritsuka even had his own bedroom here, though he barely used it. He'd developed habits and had dropped into a schedule of things here. He liked it here. There was no one to beat him and no one to tell him that he had been born the wrong way. Nobody to call him names or nearly kill him on a weekly basis. Honestly, it was both refreshing and weird, since beatings and taking whatever his mother gave to him was what he'd grown up with, as he hadn't been able to enjoy the same luxuries of a normal life as the real Ritsuka had. So this could be weird for him—this being cared for when sick, this having a bedtime, this actually being made food he could eat without being beaten for doing so. But he liked it. It gave him a sense of comfort and normalness. He would take up Soubi's offer to move in, if it wasn't for the fact that he knew that his mother would most likely kill herself without him.

"Did you rest while I was gone?"

Ritsuka rolled his eyes. Soubi was always so worrisome to the extreme. Maybe he just wasn't used to being cared for in such a way. "Yeah. I'm feeling better now, though the medicine is wearing off. Was work okay…?"

Ritsuka was trying to keep a constant conversation going. It helped keep his mind off of the things he'd discovered on the internet. He wouldn't even allow himself to look at the couch where he'd flung the laptop. He didn't want to think about that. He couldn't even allow himself to think of that word he'd discovered. It was odd, knowing now that he wasn't the only one like this. Was there a way to make this stop…? Ritsuka honestly didn't think so…

If only he could get Soubi to have sex with him. It was supposed to feel good, wasn't it…? Ritsuka had done certain things alone, though not on a regular basis, and though he really hated the way it made him feel, there was that element of pleasure. Soubi would be able to distract him, and if he made Ritsuka feel that pleasure, surely that would momentarily fix things and give him some thinking time to go over his options. How, though? It wasn't like he could just come out and ask for it. That would be too weird. Maybe he didn't want to go all the way yet, either. It felt like…the wrong reason to lose his ears, and it seemed like it was too much of a rash decision, but they could do other things _without_ going that far, Ritsuka knew. But what he wanted was very specific—the lights had to be off, and Soubi had to take his glasses off and Ritsuka had to somehow prevent him from running his hands down his legs. He'd feel all the scratches that had scarred over. And then he'd know. All he wanted was to feel right/good and get a distraction, as well as to finally (after many times of running away) give Soubi what he wanted, too.

"Work was fine. The hospital's getting renovated in my sector, so I might be off for a week or so this month," Soubi was getting things out to make…whatever kind of weird healthy soup he was making out. That was another thing. Soubi was so weird with his cooking. Ritsuka knew the ability to cook was a feminine thing, but Ritsuka could barely see any sort of femininity in Soubi at all. Ritsuka wished he could be like him. In fact, he envied him. He obviously didn't even care about what he did and which gender roles he fit. He obviously never questioned his masculinity. He was so sure of himself, and it wasn't like anyone ever doubted him or laughed at him for doing girly things. He was the sort of man Ritsuka wanted to be like. Seimei had been like that, too. Why not Ritsuka? Why was it so hard for him to be like them? For him to follow their path?

"O—Oh. Is that bad…?" Ritsuka watched him closely as Soubi flicked on the stove. He flinched back at the flame it ignited. Fire always scared him. His mother liked to play with fire, and one day it was going to get out of hand.

Soubi turned and smiled at him, "Why? Are you worried? No, it's not a bad thing. I thought you'd be happy to hear that."

Ritsuka managed a shaky smile, as well, "I am! I just didn't know if not being at work could be bad… finically, I guess."

"I'm alright in that area, Ritsuka, I promise," Soubi returned to his previous task. Ritsuka returned to watching. "Don't you have a break from school coming up?"

"It's called summer break. I'm off for three months." The end of the school year was nearing very quickly. Ritsuka needed to pull up his grades a bit. That wouldn't be too hard, since it was only a couple percentage points, but Soubi would probably scold him to no end if he saw them at the moment.

Another smile, "That's perfect, then. You only have about two weeks left, don't you? Ah… I need to check your grades, don't I? Sorry, I've been so busy with work and the—What kind of soup do you want?"

There. He'd almost let it slip about what he was doing behind Ritsuka's back with the court case. He didn't know that Ritsuka knew. He could be so oblivious to things that should be obvious… Maybe he was just too busy to notice. Or he didn't want to notice it.

…

It wasn't until later that night when Ritsuka finally got his chance. Ritsuka had been stressing for hours about how to go about this, when he hadn't seen the most obvious choice that was right in front of him. He slept in the same bed as Soubi every night he stayed over, even though he had his own bedroom. It was the best way. Perfect, really. The lights were off. Soubi couldn't see him. There were no distractions. No one to bother him. And Ritsuka wasn't going to run away this time. It was going to work. He was going to do this. He was nervous as hell, but he was going to.

He realized it as soon as Soubi came to bed and shut the lights off before climbing in next to him. How had he not seen this before? Soubi wouldn't be able to see him, and he was obviously tired, so he wouldn't be too preoccupied with running his hands down Ritsuka's body. He would neither see nor feel the scars, and Ritsuka wouldn't be embarrassed and ashamed of him looking him over. Now he just had to initiate it. Surely that couldn't be _too_ hard…

"Soubi." Ritsuka said his name simply to get his attention, and it worked. He shifted closer to him, trying to signal what he wanted. It wasn't enough. He actually had to do something. There was no way Soubi would correctly pick up on his signals, and there was no way he'd actually realize it. Soubi was a bit odd about sex. He asked constantly what was alright. He asked for permission for nearly everything. It was an odd thing, especially since he knew Ritsuka would outright screech 'no!' whenever he got uncomfortable with something. But he didn't mind.

Soubi glanced over at him, giving Ritsuka the opening. He leaned over Soubi and kissed him, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. He didn't give Soubi the chance to just leave it like that, instead deepening the kiss, moving over him now, onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his ever-bandaged neck, signaling even stronger now what he wanted. Ritsuka had never taken such initiative before. Then again, he'd never had such a desperate need for sex and what it would entail. He'd never wanted and needed it so bad. What did Soubi think? Surely he was surprised at the way Ritsuka was acting, at how the boy who'd said no so many times was on top of him now, his tongue deep inside the older man's mouth, taking control for once in his life. Did he like this? Soubi was still submissive, though less so, even after all these years. He still liked it when Ritsuka gave him orders and praised him. He was different and had grown to be the more dominant person, but he still had those qualities from when Ritsuka met him.

He let his eyes close, and allowed himself to get lost for once. He thought of nothing, and felt nothing other than the arousing sensual passion, and focused on nothing but Soubi's lips and the way his tongue moved in Ritsuka's mouth. There was no pit in his stomach, no feeling of wrongness, no sensations of how much he hated both himself and his body. Nothing. He didn't care everything felt absolutely right now. Everything was fine. Nothing mattered except for what was going on. He couldn't care about anything else. He couldn't try to deny what he was. Everything was perfect. She was perfect. She was fine with herself, and she loved herself. Clothes didn't matter—they were going to come off anyways, and it didn't matter what she did or how she was acting. Not even her secret mattered. For the first time in a very long time, Ritsuka was allowing Soubi to see who she really was. She wasn't hiding. Not now, not from herself, and not from Soubi.

She felt his hands curl into her hair, grasping at her, pulling slightly, though not enough to hurt. Ritsuka moved up more, kneeling over him, above him now, her knees on either side of his lap. He really did like Ritsuka taking control, and all of her initial shyness and nervousness had mostly died away by now. As long as Soubi didn't try to turn back on the lights. She could only be like this if it was dark and he couldn't see her. She'd have to go back to being stressed and in hiding. She'd have to push herself down and away again. Ritsuka could only be like this in the safety of the darkness, where she couldn't be detected.

"Ritsuka…" Soubi was the first to pull away, and he looked up at Ritsuka now, instead of down at her, and Ritsuka _smiled._ She'd never felt any need to control Soubi, not as her brother had. But this was okay. This wasn't controlling him. Soubi still had those moments sometimes, ones where he begged Ritsuka to give him orders and punish him. They weren't often—only when something had truly hurt Soubi, but they told Ritsuka that Soubi wasn't strong all the way through. And that was okay. Everyone fell apart sometimes. Ritsuka, especially.

"It's okay Soubi; I won't tell you to stop this time," Ritsuka sounded so sure of herself for once. She felt nothing she had before, not even the signs of the cold she'd come down with. Maybe it was because the stressor that had caused it in the first place was gone, completely discarded off to the side. She didn't know what to do from here, or where to go, but she wasn't afraid of making a fool out of herself, as she was all those other times.

And Soubi returned her smile, and even in the darkness, Ritsuka could see his blue eyes looking up at her, and she could see the emotions in them. It seemed neither of them were trying to hide right now. Soubi wasn't even trying to conceal his emotions from her. He trailed a hand up her hip, slightly under her oversized nightshirt.

"Even if you do, I'll still stop," Soubi looked straight into her eyes when he said it, his eyes bright blue and staring right into hers. "Let me kiss you again."

And Ritsuka let him, except this time, Soubi's hands were roaming, and Ritsuka let them. They were on her hips, under her shirt, and _everywhere_, and she _loved_ it. She let him do as he pleased, and for once, there were no uncomfortable feelings, and she felt no trepidation. The only thing that edged at her slightly was the arousal forming beneath her pants. Ritsuka knew that this feeling of blissfulness wouldn't last long, but she was savoring it for now, as she hadn't felt this way about herself in a very, very long time. She'd forgotten what the feeling was like. It was wonderful, and she should have never taken such a thing for granted.

Again, Soubi was the first to break away, but the kiss was anything but quick. She kept herself in the same position, though allowing a small quiver in her posture as Soubi leaned forward, pressing his lips against Ritsuka's neck, kissing her skin. He was gentle at first, though soon he was gently nipping at her, leaving marks. Ritsuka tipped her head forward, allowing for better access. She kept her hold loosely around Soubi's neck, all but hanging off of him. she could feel the stupid bandages beneath her fingers, soft to the touch, and she instantly felt the urge to tear them apart so that she feel Soubi's skin and touch that fragile, still sore scar, but she didn't. She left them there, intact, knowing that it'd make Soubi uncomfortable if she did, and that the scars would bleed upon her foreign touch.

Soubi's hands were pushing up her shirt, exposing her flat chest to the cold air. She really didn't look like the other girls, but at this moment, she really didn't care at all. She was happy again. She pulled away, lifting her arms up high and letting Soubi pull it over her head and discard it on the floor. It was nothing new, of course. They'd gotten this far many times before, but not much further. Ritsuka was determined to keep going this time, though. Her hands curled into Soubi's hair, threading her fingers through it and clinging onto him. She was fully aroused now, and she could feel the lingering shame at such a thing, though she tried to push that to the back of her mind.

"Lay down on the bed, Ritsuka. It'll be much more comfortable." Ritsuka did as she was asked, untangling her hands from Soubi's blonde hair and lifting herself off of Soubi's lap. She was soon on her back, just like so many times before, half sitting up against the pillows. Laying down would only make her feel vulnerable, and any sort of negative feeling would make her come to her senses again. She liked being so far from reality.

Soubi was instantly over her, in the same position they'd been in before. However, it felt different this time. Better. She was aroused, but that was alright, as long as she didn't see her body. Ritsuka had a feeling deep down that it wasn't right, but she was letting herself go now. So that was okay. She could ignore the hardness she felt down there, and the way it didn't match up with what was in her head. Soubi was leaning over her, not quite on top of her, his hands stroking over Ritsuka's sides and across her stomach, lightly with his fingertips just brushing over her skin. He still had that same smile on his face, and Ritsuka instantly felt a pang of guilt for keeping so much from him. But did that really matter right now?

No it didn't, she realized as she watched, her eyes fully open, as Soubi leaned further down, his lips fluttering across her neck and then her collarbone, sucking and biting. He seemed determined to leave at least a couple marks on her. Ritsuka's hands absentmindedly went to his shirt, quickly undoing the buttons with ease from practice of often having to quickly remove blouses and buttons on skirts or dresses. Soubi was gradually moving down, kissing across her chest and down, his fingers circling around an already hard nipple, his tongue teasing the other, making Ritsuka's back arch and her toes curl. Her hands fisted the sheets, her hips bucking up at the moment his tongue brushed over it, grinding against Soubi, feeling nothing but hot, pure pleasure. No shame. No disgust. Just want and pleasure.

"Is this alright?" Soubi was looking up at her again, his face now dead serious. Ritsuka nodded slowly, surely, taking one of Soubi's wrists in her own and guiding it down to the waistband of the shorts she had been planning on sleeping in. A thought ran through her mind, that Soubi would see her panties, and at first, she saw nothing wrong with such a notion. She was a girl, after all. And then she remembered—Soubi didn't _know _that she was a girl. He thought she was a boy, and he'd find it odd that she'd wear such garments. There was no stopping now, though, and Ritsuka didn't _want_ to. She didn't want such an insignificant thing to stop them.

She lifted her hips again, spreading her legs wide, showing Soubi that it was absolutely and completely alright. There was no sort of hesitation, neither in her nor Soubi's movements. Soubi moved between her legs, tugging her shorts off, guiding Ritsuka's legs up into the air in order to get them completely off.

She heard a small laugh, and then Soubi was teasing her, slipping his hand underneath the thin waistband of her panties that rested snugly on her hips. "These seem like they'd be pretty uncomfortable with the state that you're in," Soubi's voice was amused, the small laugh an undertone in it. Ritsuka felt the blood rush to her face in embarrassment. Soubi seemed to be taking it lightly, though, but it was bringing Ritsuka back to the real world. Soubi was teasing her still, his hands on her legs, dangerously close to all those scratches on her legs, on the inside of her legs, even around her groin, where she'd been trying to scratch off what was wrong with her and make it better.

"Soubi, please!" Her words were less spoken in want and lust, but more in desperation, to get him to hurry up before those soft hands of his brushed over those deep scars. Soubi complied to her demands, finally taking the panties off, slowly pulling them, off of her hips and then down her legs and completely off, exposing her.

And then he came crashing down. What was he doing? Pretending to be a girl? How could he? He was supposed to… That was _not_ supposed to have happened! He wasn't a girl. He wasn't a girl. He wasn't a girl. He was a boy. He was a naked and exposed boy, his cold, bare skin being kissed so gently, his hard cock being teased to no end by a man who was doing this all for _him_ and wasn't even doing a thing for himself. He should be happy. He should be ecstatic. But he wasn't. He tipped his head up, staring up at the ceiling, able to feel every one of Soubi's movements as he kissed his hip and legs, teasing him and going anywhere but the place that would make Ritsuka feel good and blissful again.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to roll over into the pillow and sob until he fell asleep. But he wouldn't. He was scared. He'd let himself go, and this is what had happened. He'd really, truly believed that he was a girl. He'd really, completely believed it. And it had felt good. Perfect, actually. He'd loved it. But he wasn't a girl. He looked down at himself, and all he say were his boy features and his imperfections—his feminine thighs, his small hands, his undefined chest and stomach muscles. He could even look in the mirror across from the bed (_why_ Soubi chose that particular spot for a mirror was absolutely _beyond him_.) and see the girly curves of his figure and his feminine facial features. He tried to focus on other things, though, sitting up slightly more as he looked down to meet Soubi's eyes, though only for a second before there was a tongue at the tip of his arousal and then a practiced mouth engulfing his cock, sucking on him.

The feelings of shame and embarrassment subsided into pleasure again, and his mind was clear, though he wouldn't allow himself to slip back into what he'd done before. Soubi's mouth was hot and his tongue talented, and it was nothing like Ritsuka had ever imagined or expected. Again, he knotted his hands in Soubi's hair, pulling for a moment, his eyes wide open as he stared at himself in the mirror, an then he reverted to gently petting Soubi's head in order to encourage him.

He had no self control at all, and allowed his hips to rock forward, pushing himself further into Soubi's mouth over and over. It felt good, great, even, but wrong, somehow. He liked it. He was grateful. He wanted this. But he didn't feel right.

It came quickly, and almost embarrassingly so. It was just a couple more hard thrusts, a moan from Soubi (Was he actually enjoying such an act?), and Ritsuka finally let himself go again, reaching the height of his pleasure, his climax, and released himself into Soubi's mouth. He was sitting straight up now, or rather, hunched over Soubi's kneeling form, arms wrapped tightly around his neck, breathing hard. Soubi pulled away shortly after, though resting his head on Ritsuka's stomach.

"Are you alright?"

Ritsuka blinked, the white clearing from his vision, barely registering such a question. He shifted his position, loosening his tight hold around Soubi and sitting back to give him more room. He glanced in the mirror again, looking at his own dishelmed appearance, with his sweaty face and naked body, and then glancing Soubi over.

"Yeah. I'm alright. Are you…?" He didn't finish his question, and was too embarrassed to. Blushing again, Ritsuka glanced down, and then tried to hide his flushed face when he saw that he was, in fact, being extremely selfish, leaving Soubi to get himself off, as he seemed to be doing right now. "Don't you want some help…?" His hands inched towards Soubi's pants, wondering why he hadn't just asked, rather than doing this himself.

Soubi glanced up at him again, smiling, "No, Ritsuka. Maybe some other time. You're not ready for that."

Ritsuka rolled his eyes—it was always like that with Soubi. This might be a more embarrassing situation, but Soubi was still the same odd, slightly overbearing man. Still, he kept his eyes on Soubi, kept the same positions, and pet his hair gently, showing him the dominance and love that Ritsuka knew he needed, figuring that if anything, this may help him. He kept watching him, watching his face, watching his expressions of pleasure and lust, and _wanting_. He watched him as he closed his eyes, breathing out Ritsuka's name, and he watched him as he moaned and then as he released, making himself come and only then did Ritsuka allow himself to flop back on the bed and close his eyes.

"I'm going to clean up, Ritsuka," Soubi waited a few moments, his head still resting on Ritsuka's stomach, before saying anything. Ritsuka just nodded, watching him get up and then scrambling to redress himself as Soubi cleaned himself off. He hurried, throwing his clothes back on and then quickly curling up in bed under the covers, alone in the darkness of the room. He'd never expected his first time doing anything sexual with Soubi to be like that. He was a disgusting boy—thinking he was a girl and actually believing it. And in front of Soubi, too. Terrible. Disgusting. _Vile_. How could he betray him in such a way?

He curled himself into a tight ball, shivering from the lack of warmth without Soubi beside him, and pressed his face into the pillow. Something wasn't right. Something was obviously very, very wrong. He shouldn't be like this. Why couldn't he just be normal? It would be okay if he just liked girly things or acted like a girl, but he actually wanted to _be_ one, and truly believing that he was one actually felt _right_. He wasn't in the right body. He'd been born wrong.

_ I'm not a girl! I'm not a girl!_

The mantra was growing weak. Ritsuka could no longer believe it. He wasn't a boy. He didn't feel like one, and trying to be one didn't feel right at all. If anything felt wrong and terrible, it was that. He couldn't even call himself a boy anymore and lie to himself. He just couldn't do it anymore. It was too much and it was tearing him apart, but he couldn't tell anyone else. Not now. Not ever.

"How are you feeling?" Soubi emerged from the bathroom and Ritsuka didn't bother to look up. He acted as if he was asleep, snuggled into himself and buried under many blankets, as if everything was perfectly alright. He could hear Soubi's footsteps stop at the edge of the bed and he stayed perfectly still, his breathing evened out. Soubi apparently bought the act, and climbed into bed beside Ritsuka, close to him, with just a simple kiss on the head.

Ritsuka felt the strongest urge to push out of his arms. He didn't deserve such treatment. He was a liar who really, really believed he was a woman. All he could remember was that word from before. Transgender. Was that what he was? It fit him. But he couldn't be! There had to be some kind of a way to fix this. Maybe he could just let himself go when he was alone. Then, no one else would know and he'd subdue it. He'd loved the way he felt earlier. He wanted that again. He wanted to feel as if he was right again.

He just wanted to be normal. That was all. Why couldn't he just be like all the other kids?

…

* * *

><p><strong>I'm off for break now, so updates will be quicker! Please review with your thoughts on this chapter!<strong>

**(Also I'm looking for someone to possibly do a Loveless au writing collab with me. PM if you're interested.)**

**~CheyWolfe**


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